NghtAngl

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 18:11:18 GMT

Weighed in this morning with my squad leader and platoon sgt. Yea, it went badly. I gained weight and a fat %. So, during my workout today, I've made a decision. I need to jolt my body back into weight loss. I'm going to become a vegitarian for the month, atleast. My game plan is yogurt in the morning with my vitamins. Veggies and fruit throughout the day and a salad for supper. I've also convinced J to get me an ellipticle machine from walmart. They are very small and much cheaper then the larger ones. I'm going to lose those 10lbs this month.

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 22:41:04 GMT

Well, the weigh in got post poned. All the people that wanted to be there, couldn't. I have until Monday. Which is good for me. I can atleast get rid of the water weight by then and get back to what my last official weigh in was.

I was speaking to J last night for advice. He actually suggested I take up smoking for a couple months to help suppress my appetite. Yea, I did consider it. I tried his cig that night and nearly hacked out my lungs, I felt sick. I told him I probably wouldn't take up that idea quite yet. He did say that there is a cig that tates like chocolate...tempting.

Now I have another problem at the forefront. I know, I'm just full of good news. J and I had a pretty big aurgument last night. He was disctracted and upset about steph, I was upset at him about being distracted by steph...again. I finally told him that I feared she would take him from me, that she would take his love. Some other things were said but in the end, we are okay again. I've needed to get all that off my chest for a few months now. He wasn't the most reassuring person in the world, but he listened. The part that is scaring me though...my memory. He made a very guy comment last night, about how a woman will forget things a guy brings up in the aurgument, but it all comes out when the woman is upset. It hit very close to home. Unfortanatly, I forget both sides. I'm forgeting so much these days. Nothing big, just little pieces of converstation. There's no pattern to what I remember and what I forget. Of course, I don't realize it until someone tells me I forgot it. Also, to me, it seems like I'm forgetting words a lot more often too. I know what I want to say, I just can't get the word to come out. Whole sentances sometimes. My great-grandmother died of Alzheimers, my grandmother has it at present. My mother has no signs yet, but she is still young. I really don't think I can have it yet...

I have an appt with the doctor in a couple of weeks to talk to him about this. I origanally had brought it up when we got here, but my mother convinced me it was just the stress of a new child and moving. I canceled the neuro appt that I had made at the time. I wish I had kept it now.

The good news! I'm going to a party at the club tomorrow night. Gotta call and find out what she wants me to make...baking time!

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 20:37:15 GMT

I'm not feeling very good mentally at the moment. Well, a bit quesy too, but that is steming from mentality.

I just got told that I have a weigh in tomorrow morning, just little 'ol me. Right after I got a couple of egg rolls and rice to help a fundraiser for lunch. Lumpia, I think they were called.

I know it won't look good. I gained a couple of pounds in the past month due to slackong off of my diet and exercise when I know I shouldn't have. I know all this is completely my fault, that I should have kept going. I only wanted a small break, to relax for a bit and then go back into it. Which I did, I'm back up to twice a day, with a third workout once or twice a week in the evening, depending on my schedule and mood. I don't want this, I don't want my supervisors to see that I slacked off like this. I don't even have any warning for it.

I can't go to the gym tonight, I have a class presentation to prepare, meeting my classmates online tonight to get it together. Gym will be closed by the time we are done. Its too cold to go for a proper walk, not to mention the ice hiding all over the place. I know how unhealthy it is, not to mention cheating. I'm tempted to make myself throw up a couple times tonight. I hate the feeling, but all I can remember is the weekend that I had a stomach bug and couldn't keep anything down. It lasted almost exactly 12 hours. And I lost almost 5lbs in that 12 hour period.

*sighs* I so don't feel good about myself right now. I hate my body right now and I hate the genetics that gave it to me. I'm going to fight being overweight for the rest of my life.

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 20:53:04 GMT

Have a few minutes before I have to head out and get Jessie and J and go catch my flight, so I thought I would get down some details before I forgot them.

Went to the club this weekend and met up with friends. Finally! It was so wonderful to hang out with everyone again! J doesn't understand why I enjoy going there, to my "fuck club" but we've already established we are two very different people. I thrive around people and the best energy can always be found there. I feel safe to be myself, to relax and enjoy myself however I feel like. I won't get wierd looks...okay, I'll get wierd looks but they will be understanding too.

Cross brought his lovely needles. Whee!! Few minutes after we got there, he asks me if I'm ready. Yeps, we headed back to the back of the place to find a table. It was really big, I had to lay closer to the edge so he could reach me. I almost asked to be tied up, but it was only my second time and I didn't want to push it by asking for extras. Stripped and laid down, got comfy. The first three were nice, sent little shivers through my body. The fourth was better, the fifth so much better...we went up to, 24 I think was the count. Oh lordy! I know my back is sensitive. J gives me scratches and I turn into a puddle of purring. But this...I was having orgasms from each needle! If not more. He worked his way to the bigger needles. I think I got four of the 15 gauge needles. I thought I heard someone around me saying that was really big. I really didn't feel much of a difference, other then the higher spike of pleasure. One I barely even felt. He seemed miffed at me when I told him I didn't feel it go in. I think he made sure that I felt the ones after that. *purrs*

After the last one, I squirmed a bit, enjoying myself. I would roll my shoulders so that I could feel all the needles pinching, he pushed at differnt places on my back which made the whole world all nice and fuzzy. Then I just kinda crashed, I collapsed onto the table and couldn't move a single thing in my body. I heard someone beside me ask if I was dead. That was amusing, so I smiled to let him know I was okay. *sigh* then the bad part.

I lost complete control of my body. Its happened before during sex a couple times. Its scary, and a bit embarrasing. Very embarassing that it happened that night too. Its as if my entired body just begins spasming, like quick hard orgasms. I can't control them. It doesn't hurt, but it really doesn't feel all that great either. Its as if my body has gone into overload, pulled in too much energy, and suddenly its has to get rid of everything, immediately. I don't know how long I writhed on the table, I know both of them were holding me down. Rain was laying right next to me, speaking so softly, telling me everything was okay. I think that was what helped bring me down. I tried now to fight my body, to let it do its thing and get it all out. I knew I was crying, though I really tried to hide it. I know I did some screaming, but others in the area must have thought I was having more fun cause no one came over. Thanks for that.

Eventually, I calmed down and was able to lay still while the needles were taken out. Got a couple of stings which got me some itty bitty orgasms, they were nice. They just layed there a while before I tried moving and got up to get dressed. He went over to help another couple doing needles while Rain and I just sat there and talked. Gods it was good to talk to another woman again. I think I may wait a little bit before I try needles again, there are some other things I want to try too. We'll see what happens.

Oh, a good thing from this weekend. I got asked to be a regular house slave. *cheers* I had so much fun last time! And now, I'll get to do it on a regular basis. I need to find a book with instructions on little things to do better. Maybe I'll go read my Antoniou books again. Hmm...have to see when the next one is coming out...

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 18:07:05 GMT

Got some strange news yesterday. I don't know why it surprises me though. Apparently, Nick, J's competition for Steph in Korea, has decided he's through and has broke up with steph. *scratches her head* He fought so hard for her...and now he dusted his hands of it all. Just doesn't seem like him. Course, he's as emotional as any woman I know, good chance he'll change it up again later. Well, J is going to Korea for New Year. He wants to talk to Nick in person and see what is up. (Nick was like his little brother for a long time) and he wants to see steph. I get some major points on my end for agreeing to this. I'm going to try to go home for new years too. Talked to mom last night, she has no idea what's going to happen.

She found my Aunt's mother day ring for my great great grandmother. She has said that I can have it. I can't wait to see what it looks like. Mom says its really old. They've made a good dent in everything. Threw out four truck loads of magazines and old newspapers. Another couple loads of junk. She's going through every little thing. My aunt had a habit of hiding stuff. Found my uncle's wallet. *grins* Bets she'll find it again for him later too. I really wish I could go up and help her out. Dad is looking forward to see me and Jess though, and the ticket isn't refundable. Maybe I can go after the new year. We'll see what happens.

Hmm...I want to take a goodie to the party this weekend. I think I have a big box of fudge hiding in my kitchen somewhere. I think that would give everyone an appropriate suger high. Going to walmart to buy items for a soldier coming back from overseas tonight. I'll see if I can find a pretty shirt to wear with my favorite tight jeans. Those and my boots always make me feel good, a little on the slutty side and a nice boost to the confidence because I know they make my butt look good. Maybe a new bra too, J says I should get a smaller cup. A white one this time perhaps...

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 14:32:27 GMT

I met an interesting person yesterday. A girl in my company is on restriction for messing up on a pee test and she had to go to a therapy session. I was choosen to be her escort last night. I found out she is: bi, kinky, and very very open minded. I've agreed to take her to my club and she'll go with me to a swingers club. She said she has been told there are a couple in town that would be heaven for a vouyer *purrs*

I told J about this and got a surprise reaction...he doesn't want me anywhere near a swingers club. He says he doesn't think I would be able to control myself. I did admit I would probably be interested in some touching, me to others, but I'm not into stranger sex. Did that a couple times before joining the military, just wasn't much fun. I want to watch!!

Thinking of going to the club this weekend. Got a bit of extra spending money from a nice scratch ticket. I want to try some of the toys, I want to know how they feel. Gotta see if my friends will be there, maybe can get some needle play too. That is wonderful stuff. Speaking on needle play though, a couple of weeks ago, a couple that were pretty new to things tried out needle play. She was two months pregnant and he had no idea what he was doing. One of the masters had come over to try and show him how to do it, but I don't think he had that much more knowledge. I could only cringe with each needle that was jammed into her back and try to help her breathe through it, to relax. They stopped at six and only because she had to go the bathroom. She was hurting so bad, she was hunched over. It just wasn't right. I heard rumor that the guy had tried whips on another night...and gave kidney infection to the girl that let him try on her. *mutters and grumbles* That is one of the main reason that I haven't let anyone play with me. You just can't be completely sure that they know what they are doing and not just spinning a pretty tale.

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Sun, 11 Nov 2007 23:46:19 GMT

Bad news: My great aunt died last week. She went in her sleep, how we all wish we would go. I wish she had been able to see Jessie, but maybe she has already. Her husband is hanging in there, but we don't give him long. My mother is going up there next week to help him settle my aunt's affairs and try to help him. *sigh* But that means I won't get to see her when we are up to visit for Thanksgiving. I don't begrudge my uncle...okay maybe a little. But my parents are the primary inheiritors for a bunch of money. My aunt and uncle were like most older folks and hid their money. My uncle found almost 10K in her office and he hasn't even found the floor in there! We won't talk about the 4 large boxes of office supplies that have already been given away. She had a habit of buying stuff when she needed it instead of finding what she already had.

Good news: Jessie walked last night! J and I were tossing her bunny blankie back and forth to tease her. I nabbed her and stood her up to go get it from dad...and she walked! Almost four feet, before lunging at him. We did this for about 30 minutes and she got better with every pass. It was funny too. She would laugh whenever she fell, and she had some very ungraceful falls. I liked when she fell on my foot, and just rolled over to grin at me. Now just to convince her that walking is more fun then speed crawling.

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 18:17:23 GMT

Went to see the doctor the other day about my tummy. After many questions and a visual look see, he said I'm a good canidate and it actually wouldn't take many procedures. About 3-5, losing about 1-2cm each time. Its a laser procedure, no surgery. Intense heat on focused areas. He said there is about six weeks between each procedure and maybe a bit of swelling to deal with for a few days after each one. It will cost $500 a session if I pay for it myself. I'm going to try to get the military to pay first or maybe half.

I'll have a flat tummy again!

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 21:03:08 GMT

So J and I talked last night. Wasn't a long talk, just got said what needed to be said. He came out with the whole story. Also told me that on his birthday, they got a bit drunk and had sex a couple times. I thought about that for a few while he appologized and tried to explain it. Strangely enough...I wasn't upset that they had had sex. I think I kinda expected it to happen. Also was curious to talk to her and swap notes. No, the part that upset me was that he didn't tell me. We had an agreement that we would talk to each other before doing anything. He knows we will be having future conversations about talking to your partner or he's going to get in bigger trouble then he's already in.

I've told him he is going to a couple marriage classes with me. He was origanally suppose to go to counceling, but he negotiated out of it by agreed to get the genetic test done for his heart problems. Hey, the testing is free, the counceling wouldn't be.

He said that the part he is having trouble with is rationalizing being in love with two women at one time. Wish there was someone he could talk to, all his friends are monogomous. I've told him he isn't the first. In fact, I think he's starting to accept the idea of sharing steph with our other friend nick and vic-vers.

He told me today, he thinks he has finally realized that he can relax and let things happen as they are suppose to happen. Amazing what can happen when you let others help you...gah.

Life is still going.

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 03:54:19 GMT

I was watching Tell Me You Love Me this evening when I saw a scene that made me laugh...at myself. If you haven't watched this show you really should, its on HBO. Its sorta like a reality show that follows three, sometimes four couples in their lives and their different problems.

Okay, the scene. One of the couples were going at it and the woman isn't really into things, she tells her guy to go ahead and enjoy himself. He tries a couple things, insisting that she has to be with him. He...deflates and she is frustrated with him.

Why does a woman HAVE to have an orgasm or its over for the guy, but when the guy isn't much into it and the woman insists, he doesn't understand the frustration she shows. Okay, did that make sense? I'm saying that basicaly is seems like its okay for the guy not to cum, but the world is ending if the woman doesn't. Anyone have a theory?

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 03:04:21 GMT

New icon pic!!

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Sat, 13 Oct 2007 02:11:03 GMT

Just one little entry for now...

I've put my name down for a trip to Iraq. I'll know in the next couple of days. If I get it, I'll head to training in Jan and to Iraq for six months in March.

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 18:40:41 GMT

Schedule:

Tonight: Children store, deliver announcments
Thursday: Put baby furniture together
Saturday: Garage Sale

To be continued...

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 02:06:07 GMT

Saw a commercial on TV this weekend that was interesting. www.maplestory.com Interesting game. Pretty easy, small community, tons of 'channels' to play in. J has had more time to play, but I'll catch up.

Jessie has her third tooth! One on the upper now. Kinda surprising, though not really I guess, that the first teeth coming in are the four main ones in the front. Explains why she's been so fussy the past few days. The CDC ladies get confused when we come to pick her up in the afternoon. She loves to play and laugh during the day. But the moment she sees us, she starts crying and fussing. Strangeness... I explain it with tired and her knowing she can finally slow down and go to sleep. Sometimes she'll wake up a bit to giggle and play with me. She has a table now. Converted my coffee table into her table, with a plastic tablecloth. Found a booster chair for her to sit in...and threw the highchair into the garage for the sale next weekend. She sits at her own little table now! *does a little dance* Now just to figure out how to teach her to use a spoon....

I didn't get to go play this weekend *sigh* Was really looking foward to it too. I miss the friends I've made and they may be wondering if I've abandoned them or something. J is stressing wether he'll have enough money for his vacation and grumbling at any extras I spend. So I soothed him by staying home and buying a book instead. JR Ward's new book *purr* I love her series. Can't wait for the audio books! Hamilton's new book will be out later this month too. Yea!!

If anyone, near me, has stuff they wanna get rid of, feel free to tag it and drop it off here before Saturday. Need more stuff for a proper sale. I'm hoping my neighbors join the 'community' sale, no one showed up at the meet&greet last night. That was dissipointing. Ah well.

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 21:09:33 GMT

Just a quick little post. Well, maybe not quick but that does make for a good opener. I'm watching the clock at work, one more hour and I'm out of here. I'll probably check my email one more time before I head out. I sent an email to Steph earlier today, though my day is her night. An, all out on the table kind of email. I laid my story down for her and told her where the plot and demise was located. I now need her to come back with the character details and some hints of how the story is going to end, or atleast a continuation. This cliff hanger is giving me headaches.

I'll be glad for payday. This past month was rough on the finances. I miss my friends at the club. My house is cleaner then it has ever been, but I need to get out. I need some adult time. I've already told J that I'm going to the club this weekend. I have to use part of my allowance, but I'll be there. Got an announcment saying should be a pretty good party this weekend.

The good news of the day: I'm off the military weight program!! I weighed in this morning at 160lbs. I managed to lose 8lbs this month. Lost half an inch off my neck and off my waist. And two inches off my butt! Going to take a small break today from the extra PT. Mostly because I'm having shin pains from the PT test yesterday. Gotta give the muscles a chance to relax and heal. But I'm going to keep at it. I have an official PT test in two weeks, and it would be so cool if I could make weight for it and not have to tape. I would only have to lose four pounds. Which is doable. We'll see.

Gotta finish Jess's B-day announcments tonight and get them in the mail. In two weeks, my baby girl will be a year old. Gods, the time did pass fast. She's definetly growing into her own.

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 05:23:47 GMT

I finally spoke to J about the stuff that was bothering me. I can't sum up an hour convo very easily, and we spoke about several things. I told him that he HAD to let me know what was going on. He said he was sorry, he hadn't realized he was failing to keep me in the loop. He's so excited at the thought of having his best friend and his wife living in the same house. *sigh* I'm not mad, I'm barely even jealous of the attention he gives her. He's happy. Happier then he's been in quite a while. Which means he's a lot easier and a lot more agreeable with me and Jessie.

The main thing I've told him that needs to change...he can't call her wife anymore. She needs to pick a new nickname for herself and him. Also, if it got back to the wrong people that he was calling two women wife, we could be in for some uncomfortable questions.

A big huge cyber hug to those that gave me wonderful advice! You gave me the courage to bring up the questions I needed to ask.

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 03:20:44 GMT

Okay, I'm starting to put my postings off again. Gonna have to make myself make little postings until it comes back.

Jessie brought home a stomach bug from her daycare on Friday. It had her sleep for 3 lovely hours at B&N the next morning. But I was sick as a dog that night. Mostly weak the next day. J went down on Sunday. He tried to hold out, but only lasted long enough to make sure I wasn't sick anymore before he gave in. He's still a little sick. Jessie is recovering slowly. Bowel problems. Same as her dad. *sigh* She still doesn't have her full appetite back. Though she did good tonight, mixed veggies and some prunes. Daycare says she loves anything that is breadish. Weird.

I put a bunch of books up on Amazon, they are selling pretty good. Sold a bunch of DVDs at work. Going to open a new account at the community bank here on base so we have a local bank. Our loans came through today, so we paid off most of the bills. The rest will be paid off within the month and then we just pay off the loans. J is actually a ton better at math then I am. He is the one that figured out this payment and loan system.

Really sucks though, is that he has changed his mind about joining Jessie and I with my family for Thanksgiving. He no longer wants to spend the money on the plane ticket. I can understand why, but it still sucks. Atleast I still get to have a party for Jessie, or atleast it will be for her with most of the things for adults and older child (J's cousin) that will be there. Foods, drinks and whatnots.

I've decided to call Steph this weekend. We need to have a girl chat. It might be just me, but I think J is nervous about the call. Ah well. I'm going to do it during a time when I know he can't talk to her on a computer at the same time and coach her, or something like that.

Time to go fold the laundry that piled up.

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 04:38:18 GMT

Well, we spoke last night. We discussed steph a bit, in different areas. He isn't allowed to sleep with her while she is here on leave. She also won't be having his kid anytime soon. I told him, again, that there is a good chance she could find a guy of her own and he seemed pretty agreeable to her doing that...he said they could both live here. Hmm...here's to hoping she finds a cute one. I'm going to call her this weekend and have a girl to girl chat with her, find out what has been goin on on her end, maybe give a little dose of reality to her too. She's only have one or two boyfriends, I need to make sure she isn't as far into this fantasy of hopes that he is. She's the one that would get hurt the worst.

(Continued a few hours later...) I asked J outright what Steph's expectations were. He seemed confused by the question. I asked him if she expected things from him we both knew he couldn't give. He answered that he didn't know. I said okay. I asked him to pick me up a phone card so that her and I could talk this weekend and make sure that everything was straight.

I hope things are okay or on their way to okay now.

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 03:29:05 GMT

Life is frustrating. That is all I can say at the moment.

I messed up on the finances again. Yea, again. I hate those little amounts that add up. So, to pay for my mistake, I'm freezing my DR accounts. I'm even selling my houses that I have had for over five years. I"m going through items in our home to find things we haven't used in a long time or have used and probably won't again. Only a couple K, but I shouldn't have let it go that bad so I'm helping to fix it. Means I might not be able to go to my part this coming weekend either *sigh*

And now I have another frustration. Over the past year, J has worn me down to agreeing to let another woman into our lives. A woman that was a good friend of both of us while in Korea. She's sweet, friendly and a wonderful person overall. J would like a menage but I don't think I feel like that toward her. I've told him I'm willing to try, to see what its like. Then we got onto shaky ground. He wants her to live with us, to become his second 'unofficial' wife...to have his child. And this morning, I saw his IM and they are calling each other love. I spied on another message this evening and he's picking out a ring for her. He's sworn not to leave me and I believe him. But I'm becoming uncomfortable with the pace that their relationship is taking. I can't even garentee that I'll get along with her living with us, much less like him having that kind of relationship with her. I can't face him with these facts though without telling him I was spying on him. Part of me is thinking I need to call her up and have a girl to girl conversation with her, I just don't like having that kind of talk over the phone. She'll be here on leave soon and visiting her family. I don't want to ruin her vacation though. *sigh*

Anyone have advice? Could really use some now.

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 02:40:21 GMT

I'm frustrated! And there isn't a damn thing that I can do about it. No, its not horny frustration. I want to smack my husband upside the head sometimes.

I'm making candies tonight for the party tomorrow night. Since he is sleeping in and thus staying up late tonight, I asked him if he would be willing to turn the cookies to help them dry before he came to bed. His responce, "Since they are for your fuck club buddies, no." *growls* I told him I didn't like him calling it that. I've told him multiple times there isn't any sex that goes on. He doesn't believe me, and he is disgusted by people that willing let themselves get beat up or other things like that. And now, since I've told him they lock the door after a certain time, he gets to use that as ammo against me too. "They have to lock the doors to keep the cops out and not know what they are doing is illegal."

I told him he is acting very uneducated and close minded. He doesn't care! He doesn't like that I go there, he is this side of disgusted and doesn't understand why I'm interested in it all. He refuses to go with me to see the club and meet the people that I've come to enjoy socializing with. I want to yell at him, or do...something! I can't though because he'll become worse, he'll use his ammo against me in worse ways. I hate when he is like that. He encouraged me to check the club out, to get out and do something, and now I'm paying for enjoying it. I want to enjoy my new friends and satisfy a curiosity that I've had for years and now I feel bad that I'm enjoying myself. My damned homophobic, closed minded, straight vanilla husband is driving me insane!!

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 21:02:28 GMT

Got my ultrasound done today. Even got it read too! That was some definite icing on the cake. The woman was right, its not near as much fun to get an ultrasound when there's nothin in there. Was really neat to see the uterus and ovaries in their natural state. Even saw the blood flows. She said everything looked excellent. I described the spot that the doctor thought was a fibroid. She thinks it was a small contraction, with the muscel cramping up in just that spot. I guess it makes sense. Have to see what happens if I get pregnant again.

So, now I go back to the doctor and start the process of seeing if the military will pay for the thermage procedure or something similiar. Gonna do more research too. J and I were talking last night, he wants me to do it even if the military hesitates. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I want it done too.

Speaking of J, he was talking really strange last night. Earlier in the evening, I got upset when I was trying to deal with a fussy baby, making a dinner from odds and ends and trying to participate in a chat with a fellow student to do a paper for our class. J had gone over to the neighbor, so I paused my chat and went to grab the wailing child just as he walks in. He asked if I wanted him to take Jessie but I told him it was too late for him to help. He wanted to talk when I came back, I saw I wanted a few minutes. Of course he insisted so I told him why I was upset, which made him upset and then worsened the situation when I shrugged off the back rub he offered. I probably shouldn't have, but I was still angry. So he gets sullen because I was upset at him, then he gets angry with me. It always happens that way. I was fine in minutes, he's upset the entire night and refuses to have anything to do with me. So irritating! I wish he could just let things go or talk them out with me.

When he came to bed, we talked. He recently went to a class for Post-traumatic stress disorder. He thinks he has it, or a small version of it. Ever since he got trully stressed out and walked out of his first round of PLDC he thinks he's changed. He thinks that is why we don't have much of a sex life right now. I guess it might explain some things. But he refuses to go to a counselor or talk to anyone. He says he can talk to me, but I wish sometimes he wouldn't. He actually said quite a few hurtful things last night, just lashing out, and I had a really hard time letting them roll off because I knew he was lashing. He has violent urges that he says he is always controlling, but he refuses to do any social activities to relieve the stress. He wanted to go for football practice, then the next day says he's no longer interested. He won't leave the house! Its not healthy, but he says he just wants to stay at home and enjoy his games. *sigh* I don't know what to tell him anymore. I think I finally got the point across to him that he has to talk to me or I won't know he wants me to do something or not to do it. Example, I didn't know he was getting tired of our little ritual where he tucks me in when I go to bed since he goes to bed later then me. I'll miss it, but I told him if he would pause what he is doing and hug and kiss me, that would work too. COMPROMISE! *mutters about the male gender*

Sometimes, I don't think its women that are the hard ones to understand.

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 21:29:27 GMT

My parents are officially in Alaska. They are going deep sea fishing on thursday. My dad is probably estatic with antisipation. I spoke to my mom the other night. Apparently my aunt and uncle need a lot more help then they had let on. Neither of them can get around very well at all, much less take care of each other. Not with my Aunt's cancer, in remission at the moment, and my uncle's weak heart.

My parents are considering staying up there. Though the condition they are offering to my aunt and uncle to do this, to stay up there and take care of them and their properties and stuff, is to have my relations pay off all my parent's debt. Only about 150 thousand. That is the house, the cars and the bills. Actually not to bad these days. They would be up there for probably the next couple years until my aunt and uncle pass on and then would be responsible for handling the distribution of the estate. I hope my mom get a majority of it like the rumor holds to. She deserves. She got royally screwed after taking care of my uncle's parents and then getting nothing more then a thank you. And other similiar past incidents. Plus, I know they would really enjoy themselves up there.

And I would get to visit!! Sweet!

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 21:24:45 GMT

Today was a major dissipointment.

I weighed in this morning. The only good part is that I've lost 6lbs this past month. The downside, is that while I lost my half inch on my butt, I also gained half an inch on my abdomen. And I don't know why! The only thing I can think of is that since I took a purger yesterday (nice grape flavored one) and drank more then six bottle of water to get it through faster, I was a bit bloated this morning. *sigh* So now I'm on the program ANOTHER month. Will be interesting. I also have a class the first three weeks of September. So my squad leader and I will be basically working out on our own. I think the change I'm going to make this week is how food is prepared. I eat a lot healthier at work now. Next is home foods. No more hamburger helper. I have a new cookbook filled with recipies meant to be cooked quickly. I'm going to make some menues for the next weeks, and let J pick a couple of nights for the food he would like. I might even be able to get him to cook a couple times! *gasp*

Ah well, the best news is that I have a four day weekend commin up.

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 21:41:37 GMT

Hello! I know its been a few days, but nothing big enough really happened to warrent posting. Okay, maybe one thing. During my workout on Friday afternoon, I finally broke 500 calories on the elipticle. 35 minutes and level 7. And I did this without surpervision since my squad leader was on pass. I'm pretty proud of myself in that area. I used to have problems motivating myself to workout and not have someone telling me to do it.

I went to the club last night. Unfortantly, I wasn't able to make the main party. I really don't have an excuse for trying to leave so late. I made dinner for J, we watched South Park for a while, I played on the computer. Then I messed around trying to find a good outfit. By the time I headed out it was after 10pm. I was at the end of my street before I figured out that they had already locked the doors. I was so upset and irritated that I just turned around and went home. I should have headed to the club anyway. Just wasn't thinking straight.

So I showed up about 1am for the after party instead. And of course learned that I could have showed up earlier. Gah, missed my chance to play. The woman at the front has said she will sponser me when I show up next time, which is so cool. I got to meet her two subs too. They are adorable!! Both are about my age, both are shorter then me and chubic and so friendly. I had the most wonderful massage from another guy there I met for the first time. There were a lot of unfamiliar faces. There was also a porn star and her partner there, they were very cool to watch. I saw them playing with electricity. Another guy was offering people a feel of electricity with a couple different types of wands. I got to feel that, very wicked feel. I saw a girl put into a vac bag, and seemed like she was having a very good time. I don't know if I could do that or not, that is major bondage.

And of course, I got to meet up with Cross and Rain. (note to self, ask permission to cross-ref) They are so cool! Cross was teasing me all night with this really cool minuture flashlight, I think it was an LED. I couldn't get my hands on it long enough to find out. It was fun tryin to get it from him though, he's got some good slight of hand going. And rain was wearing the most adorable outfit! She had a cute black layered skirt and black top. And she found that skirt at the thrift store. Reminds me that I need to go to the two near me for some shopping soon. I love getting Jessie's clothese. Almost brand news, for just a couple dollars. Cross mentioned hanging out outside of the club sometime. I told him I was love to spend more time with them. They are really open minded and honest. A re-freshing combination. Course, Rain probably thinks I'm a bit crazy now since I kept going after that flashlight...but the way that Cross was teasing me with it, I had this really deep compulsion that I just had to get that flashlight.

Ah well, fun times ended as they had to. Took me an hour longer then usual to find my way home. For some reason, I kept turning off on the wrong roads. I was so exausted by the time I got home. Slept till about two this afternoon. Now I'm gonna head out and find a nice cinnabon to eat. J was a bit grouchy with me this morning. I'm tired of being the one to be complacent around here. If he is unhappy about something, he needs to tell me about it, not give the silent treatment.

miller_cat@hotmail.com — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 04:22:26 GMT

Ack! My favorite club's website is down and I can't get to the calender to see when the next party is this coming weekend. Anyone able to tell me?